


Patterns

by gravityplant



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Introspection, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues, University phan, young adult phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-03 00:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19452835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: In which the university student Dan moves into his first apartment, completely alone in the world for the first time. The lack of friends he compensates with overworking. But then there's suddenly Phil. Charming, shy Phil, with the most childish smile Dan's ever witnessed. Suddenly nothing's ever the same.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: anxiety, self-esteem issues, depression, trust issues?
> 
> Beta: Phuzzyphan on Tumblr, thank you so much for helping me! :D Loved that comment about Dan not having access to Phil's cordless hammer drill yet, it was hilarious xD
> 
> A/N Okay so I started writing this after watching the first episode of Euphoria, (which is btw quite a cool series.) I was like okay I'm gonna write angst, I'm gonna make myself cry! Suprise... surprise I didn't write hardcore angst because I'm weak and flawed and gosh I really can't hurt these fictional versions of dnp. So... no sobfest this time. But hey I think the fic turned out pretty good anyway :)

There exists a time when you have to cut the cord.

But there's also a time that subsists precisely after you've done just that. When the world's simply entirely pacific. When your mind's at peace.

It's this weird floaty feeling that makes itself present. It feels like your chest has been filled with too much air. Like you’re about to take off from the ground like a goddamn balloon.

Dan works open the moving box, secured by sticky, plastic tape, with a thoroughly bitten thumbnail.

He sits on the cold, spacious wooden looking floor - that's in fact just vinyl flooring.

On the opposite wall from him, there's one long, obnoxious looking mirror. It's the first thing to cover the otherwise vacuous walls of this apartment.

After a lot of pleading, his dad had come around to screw it safely to the wall. He really didn't want to have to ask him. But he owns close to no tools.

Dan looks up at himself. His reflection is biting its lips. He stares at it, raising one eyebrow. A big lump is forming in his stomach.

There's this thing that they never tell you about. The time after. When you've moved, when you have all your opportunities ahead of you. It sounds good, great even. He should feel optimistic. But what's left after the previous exciting feeling is just... darkness.

Recently it's felt like experiencing his worst nightmares in the broad of daylight. Most of all, there's one question constantly plaguing his mind - _what is he gonna do with his life?_

He's cut the cord to his family. Dan's alone. He's living alone for the first time... ever. It's... frightening, absolutely terrifying.

Dan can't ask them for more help. He's an adult now, supposedly deemed to do adult things.

The thing is... he doesn't feel like an adult. It doesn't feel like he's "grown-up."

His reflection shakes its head mockingly.

His thumb comes to a full stop in a last effort to scrape up enough of a patch for him to get a grip on the tape.

When will all of this make sense? At which point will being an adult come naturally?

He rests his head against the moving box. When he first was introduced to the idea of moving and leaving "it all" behind he'd been quick to take the chance. So fast that any thought of this being too good to be true had been non-existent.

It didn't help that his mom and dad had seemed pleased with him too. His constant want to please them had piled it on the decision. He'd thought it to be a good idea as well. Fed by their lies on how great he would have it.

But look where that's got him.

Now he can't wake up without a sinking feeling in his chest. It returns when he moves through the empty, dark apartment in the morning, in search for coffee. It's that recurring thought. Nagging in the rear of his tired mind.

He just wishes there was someone there. A voice in the darkness. A hand to hold, to feel somewhat grounded.

Instead, his eyes are pinned to the coffee machine as it works its magic. Every morning's identical.

He discerns his puffy eyes in the mirror image of the machine. Frankly, he looks exhausted although he's slept through the night.

Dan peers out through the singular window. His weary eyes can decipher the outline of the city.

He's starting to see a pattern. Beginning to believe that it's supposed to feel like this. That he's bound to be miserable.

Before the sun rises over the skyline it's nearly perfectly quiet. Still, he can't hear the deadened sound of the coffee machine over his noisy brain.

-

Dan is sitting behind the desk in the antiquarian. His long legs are winded around a tall frayed stool. His head is rested in the fold of his arms in spite of PJ's complaints. There're rarely any customers anyway.

He went to bed quite early yesterday. Despite not having unpacked most of the moving boxes. He doesn't feel that bustle is important. He's kind of mostly taking his time.

After moving to a new city he knew his parents would start pestering him to get a job and go to uni. Principally go to law school, which he attended earlier today. Yay to the motivation he really doesn't have.

The thing is, he's truly trying to understand it, to want this. Because he knows that he can't fuck this one up too.

So to be ahead of his parents he began seeking after a job. By chance, he saw a poster PJ had put up by a nearby cafe. He'd only seen it 'cuz he'd intended to give himself comfort coffee for the failed attempt of obtaining a job.

PJ is an okay boss. He's quite strict. Well, so Dan thought at first, but after talking to him - when staying behind at after-hours - Dan's found he's quite the softie.

He's both quirky and fanciful. Sometimes it saddens Dan when he thinks about the lost potential. PJ is someone who should travel the world. Who should open the mind of hundreds. He's got a drive and a want.

Really he shouldn't be here selling someone else's stories, he should be out there telling his own. Dan wishes he was more like PJ. That he had something he was differentially good at. Or a plan whatsoever for what to do with his life.

Through the windows of the shop, Dan can see the outside world gradually darken. Unwillingly his brow furrows. Just the thought of the night rapidly approaching makes him uneasy.

In fact, he would do anything to evade sleeping. Yet falling asleep isn't the problem- it's the waking up part. When he nevertheless ends up feeling restless and fragile.

Fragile...

He recalls reading that on the moving boxes. It said something like "fragile, handle with care." Sometimes he believes the world handles objects with more care than genuine living, breathing beings.

The door in the back of the store creaks. Dan sits up more properly before PJ emerges. PJ looks extra tired today. His unruly hair is standing up in all directions.

As he slowly approaches Dan he's midway attempting to put on this bomber jacket bombarded with patches and pins. One of his noodle-looking arms is gobbled up in the sleeve. He seems to be in a hurry.

He flashes Dan a half smile. His bright green eyes analysing Dan a second as he struggles with the jacket.

"Could you lock this place when you leave? I have to leave now, it's urgent and I'm sorry for this coming completely out of the blue I really didn't intend-" PJ bottom lip is red like he's been biting on it in distress. He's got a wild look in his eyes. His hands are formed into fists. Dan suddenly feels slightly concerned for his boss. He looks on the verge of lunacy.

"PJ, it's okay," he says carefully, managing a half smile. And it's true Dan doesn't really look forward to getting home.

Dan's fingers wind stiffly around his phone. PJ's making him nervous, the otherwise so calm man is completely changed. The reflex makes him realise that his phone has always been somewhat a safety. It keeps him updated and he can always call someone if he needs help. Not that he would have anyone to call.

In an instant, PJ seems to relax somewhat. A look of relief washes over his boss's face. "Thank you so very much, Dan, I knew I could trust you the moment you walked in these doors, see ya later! Toodles!"

And then he's out. Leaving Dan with a keychain - with a single, large and rusted key left on it - laying on the desk.

Somewhat carefully he picks it up and studies it in the light of the antique, green desk lamp. The oblong polished metal glints in-between rusty flecks.

He's so distracted by it in fact that he doesn't notice that someone comes in through the door. He notices them only when they lean over the desk. He jumps a little at the sight of a pretty girl smiling at him.

Her long blonde hair cascades down her back. Dan's eyes stick to the gap between her front teeth.

She swaying a bit back and forth with her arms on the desk. Unstable as if she's balancing on the balls of her feet.

"Hi," she says, finally. Dan's so shocked that he's unable to answer, stunned by the whole situation. He just gingerly and honestly quite awkwardly raises his hand in greeting.

"I saw you today at uni, I just don't attend the same course as you." She says quite rapidly. Whilst she talks she gesticulates wildly.

The fact that she says that she saw him forces a sinking feeling to rise in his abdomen. He doesn't know why it makes him so uneasy. Maybe because he hadn't intended to make contact with anyone in his university.

It's not that he's fearful of human contact. Sometimes social situations simply terrify him. It's rather inconvenient, really.

He's tried convincing himself to have enough courage to just start talking to somebody, anybody. But in the end, he's way too awkward and insecure of denial.

So yes, the thought that someone saw and actually took notice of him is... uncomfortable. Even if she seems quite nice.

"Oh... did you follow after me?" he says awkwardly. For a moment she just stares blankly at him before she laughs.

It's possible that she doesn't at all sense the uncomfortable atmosphere he exudes. Or that she's too kind to acknowledge it.

"Haha no, don't worry, I didn't! I usually come here, you must be new." It must be something about the way she speaks, resulting in how easy it is to converse with her. It makes him want to try to continue this conversation.

"Hah, yeah I am actually, I started work four days ago." He scratches the back of his neck giving her a half smile. She raises her closed hand to her mouth in a thinking position, brow furrowed.

It makes him panic a little, did he do something wrong? In a panic, he throws out a question haphazard. "You said you come here often- do the old books interest you?"

She smiles then and he can pull a sigh of relief. Why is he so afraid of fucking everything up all the time? Afraid that the first person - that isn't his boss - talking to him will realise how lame he truly is? Deep down he knows why.

"No, not really, PJ and I usually hang out and read nerdy comics in here. Although he's more for reading and I'm more for chatting. He's quite a funny type." She laughs a little at the last part and he has to laugh with her, albeit rather gently.

The thought of his boss reading comics in his office instead of actually working makes him smile.

Her smile suddenly vanishes and a look of genuine worry intakes her features. "Although sometimes I'm worried about him, especially when he grows distant. It doesn't happen often but when it does-"

She shakes her head. Dan just blinks at her. He's genuinely curious but can't get himself to ask her more about PJ. Maybe it's because of the dreadful look in her eyes.

"Anyway, I came here because of PJ but I'm assuming he's not here, correct?" she asks cautiously, looking apprehensive for the first time since she so confidently began speaking to him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry he was in a hurry to get somewhere, don't know where though." She sighs deeply at the answer, although she looks relieved.

Dan smiles gingerly, tilting his head to the side shyly. He's not used to talking to strangers. And definitely not strangers who apparently seem to want to talk to him, too?

But surely she's simply just sweet and doesn't really want to continue this conversation with Dan. Who would, honestly? Dan knows he wouldn't if he was in the same situation.

He's way too socially awkward to hang out with new people, that might be his downfall. A curse he'll have to live with.

"Oh well that's alright, that man always has something up his sleeve, I guess I can talk to him later." She continues, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Her hands are weaved together behind her back and she looks around the place as she speaks.

"If you want you could hang with me and my friends in between lessons, it really wouldn't be an inconvenience." Her eyes flit back to his and she gives him a patient smile.

"Oh, um..." He can feel himself forgetting how to breathe for a moment. It's really nice of her to ask. Too nice. He knows he'd just break apart what they have. It's always awkward being new, especially in a friend group. Honestly, he doesn't know if he can handle the stress of knowing that they'd rather hobnob without him.

"Louise, honey," she says helpfully with a grin. He blinks at her then he understands. She must've thought he forgot her name. He can feel his cheeks growing hot. Why does he have to be so socially inept?

"Louise, I really appreciate the offer, I do but..." he starts feeling guilt infiltrate his system. Like he didn't have enough of that already.

"You don't want any new friends?" she asks carefully, just in time so he doesn't have to elaborate.

"... Yeah" Dan mumbles. Why doesn't he take the chance at new friends? It doesn't matter, they won't like him anyway.

"It's okay! I get it, sometimes you need alone time, finding yourself and all," she says, nodding her head as if she understands.

He nods slowly. Wanting this conversation to be over now so he can go back to sulking.

-

Astoundingly Louise comes back the next Tuesday, earlier than last time. She wears a big, comfy-looking woolly jumper and Dan finds himself being jealous. That, and also secretly happy that she's returned... but only a little.

If only he'd have known autumn would turn its back on him. Suddenly the warm weather seemed to have utterly vanished. He noticed it first when he was in a hurry to uni this morning, though. If he'd known then he'd probably chosen something other than a thin black t-shirt.

She traipses up to the counter. Her fringe's been stirred by the wind and if Dan hadn't known it was so blustery he'd have thought she'd been in a hurry to get here.

But of course, she wouldn't be in a hustle to get here. And if despite all odds she was that probably had to do with her being friends with PJ rather than her wanting to have a chat with him.

"Hi!" she declares, she's wearing a half smile. Her eyes are practically twinkling with what appears to be excitement. Oh, how Dan would've given anything to feel as excited as she looks today.

"Hi," he breathes echoing her. Maybe she can hear how tired he is? She tilts her head to the side a tad, looking thoughtful.

"Awfully cold out, isn't it?" He nods. She's right of course. But it feels like she's building up her courage to ask something else. Well, rather than actually wondering about Dan's opinion.

"I bought this jumper on the way over here. Stopped by Zoe's shop, do you know Zoe?" He shakes his head. Dan doesn't really know anyone here except PJ.

But saying your only friend is your boss is doomed to sound kinda sad. Besides he's not sure he can even consider PJ his friend?

"Sorry," she says "I forget you're new." She doesn't say it in a sarcastic way. It feels like she's actually genuinely quite jumbly.

"She owns the snazzy bright store a couple of blocks away. I'm sure you've seen it!

Anyway, I went to uni this morning and I just thought: Heck it's awfully cold out today and I don't have time to run back and get something warmer. But what if I buy a sweater on the way to ask..."

He feels a tiny bit better now knowing she was just as unaware of the unexpected chaotic weather here as him.

"Oh shit, I never asked what your name is!" She exclaims looking upset. He snorts quietly, hiding a smile from her behind his hand.

"Dan" She nods then, and unexpectedly her expression shifts to one of gravity.

Suddenly his brain has caught up with what she said. She wanted to ask him something? Oh gosh, hopefully, she just has a sudden interest in dusty old books.

"Dan, I know you said you didn't want to socialize with my friends... But could you maybe just test out fraternizing with them at our gaming night?

I won't force you to like them or stay any longer than you want if you don't. But if you do end up enjoying their company that'd be great.

There's nothing to lose, they're good people I promise!"

Dan wants to argue with her that there's plenty to lose. She's just a stranger that has walked in on his work hours to ask him to hang with her friends! That's stranger danger deluxe and he should stay away from her the best he can.

Additionally, his whole reputation could go up in flames. He'd rather be the cool, mysterious guy that talks to nobody, than being the guy who embarrassed himself in front of Louise’s super cool extrovert friends.

Then he sees her expression. She's giving him the worst case of puppy dog eyes he's ever seen. He has to smile then, because she looks _that_ ridiculous.

"Fine" he mutters, sighing expressively. He knows he's weak and flawed for giving in.

Her face bursts into a huge smile. Her blue eyes sparkle.

"You're not gonna regret this Dan I promise, you'll be an exceptional addition to the team!" she exclaims, excitedly bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Well, thanks?" He laughs nervously.

-

It's dark out when he decides to go.

The wind is still howling loudly between houses. Now he's really regretting not bringing a jacket. Up above his head, the stars are visible. Despite that, it's not awfully late yet.

His eyes are downcast watching his own feet move in a rhythmic pattern. It's not until he reaches the pedestrian crossing that he looks up and spots a bright looking, apparel boutique.

Dan recalls Louise talking about some boutique and that her friend Zoe was the owner or something. Maybe this is that boutique?

He could stop by and buy a jumper like Louise did. He's got quite a long walk home and he'd rather not get a cold this early on in the year.

The boutique is still lit as he walks closer to see the business hours. It won't close until another thirty minutes. So he's got plenty of time.

Gingerly he opens the door. It's shockingly warm inside. It almost feels like he's walked into a sauna.

For a moment he just stands and basks in the warmth before looking around himself. Almost cowardly, he remains where he stands, hiding from the bright colours burning his eyes.

When he's recovered he tentatively strolls up to the counter. At the moment there's no one behind it. His eyes scan for any movements throughout the boutique but it's empty.

He then spots the round reception bell standing on the side of the checkout and decides to ring it.

An uncomfortable moment passes when he ponders if he should just leave before anyone shows up.

But eventually, someone steps out of a door and runs up to the cash. It's a young man, looking embarrassed. His cheeks are flushed and he meets Dan's eyes apologetically.

And for just a moment instead of feeling awkward, Dan's just overcome by the stranger's eyes.

They look like the meadows flourishing at the flank of a mountain- that, mixed in with a tranquil blue sky. Between the white fluffy clouds, streaks of golden rays peak through.

Come to think of it... his eyes are basically just blue-green-yellowy. Dan just got lost in a ridiculous notion, and _everything_ he's just been thinking is nonsense, he _does_ realise that.

He shakes his head to get rid of whatever that was.

"What can I help you with, sir?" the man asks. He looks nervous, fingers drumming against the surface of the desk.

"Yeah actually," his socially inept brain answers "do you have any woolly jumpers big enough to have over a t-shirt?"

The man lights up, giving Dan a timid smile. "We do have that, surprisingly, I mean we are an apparel shop, aren't we?" He jokes, laughing abashed - yet softly - under his breath at his own joke when Dan doesn't himself.

Great, now he's managed to make the cashier even more uncomfortable than he was.

"What size?" The man asks walking out from behind the desk. He's on his way over to a rack. His delicate fingers dance over the hangers.

"Large" Dan mumbles walking up slowly to the cashier with his hands in his pockets.

"Oh um, okay" The man raises both of his eyebrows still not looking up. Dan rolls his eyes, sighing.

"... Is there a problem?" he says then, tiredly. He's way too exhausted to even be thinking of it sounding unintentionally sexual. Besides it probably just him having a dirty mind. Surely that wasn't why the cashier raised his well-sculpted eyebrows?

"Well, I'm afraid we only have one jumper left in that size," the man says. He looks over at Dan waiting for him to answer. Tensely the man's slender fingers smooth out the shirt with concern. A kind half smile is visible for a second as his eyes rake the fluffy jumper.

"Oh, that's alright I'll take it," Dan says hurriedly, dismissing the cashier's blatant worry.

"Though it's bright pink, I hope that isn't a problem?" The man says looking up. His pink lips are parted slightly.

Dan shakes his head, his cheeks aflame. "Oh, well no... I guess not."

"I just asked 'cuz you might've not wanted to ruin your whole black aesthetic," The man beams pointing vaguely at Dan.

Dan laughs awkwardly "yeah, thanks for being thoughtful of that, I just desperately need to buy something because I'm freezing my balls off in this weather."

The man smirks a little then. "yeah? it's quite cold. Do you live far from here?" he wonders.

"Yeah, I'd say it'd take twenty-five minutes for me to get home" Dan states.

"Oh, I do have a car and my shift is over in about ten minutes I could drive you home, I mean if you'd like," the man says carefully, he gives Dan a hesitant half smile.

"Hah um, that's very kind of you but it's fine really. I should get used to walking back and forth plus I need the exercise... I guess."

The man seems to deflate a little and maybe it's a trick of the light but Dan's sure the cashier's cheeks look pink.

"Okay that's fair I guess," he laughs hesitantly, giving Dan what looks like a faint smile.

-

Dan is laying in bed, he's been awake for some time now. Yet he doesn't want to open his eyes and face the world.

It feels like somebody is sitting on his chest. But instead of getting up he's trying to endure it. Taking one steady breath at a time.

Yesterday he felt the world coming down to crash on him. It was after he'd come home. After locking the door and sinking down against it.

He curled up into a ball, bunching up the soft material of the jumper in his shaking hands. Somehow hoping that the warmth it provided would seep through his skin and slowly but surely fill his heart with emotion, with warmth.

But most of all he wants to feel loved. Because Dan has realised he'll never be loved. He can't turn to his parents for support. They'll look down on him for it.

He doesn't have any friends.

Bosses don't count as friends.

Not even Louise who said hi to him two times and invited him to hang with _her_ friends.

He nearly pushed her away again when she kindly asked him to join them. When she offered him a group of friends he could just silently slip into.

Dan shakes his head, coming back to reality. He carefully opens his eyes. It's still kinda dark outside. Yet he has to go to his first lesson.

He checks the clock. Nine-forty, great. He has to get up and make coffee. Then return to law school- or should he say killing-all-motivation-and-desire-school. Perhaps it's a bit too long of a name?


	2. Chapter 2

The closer he gets to the day of the gaming night the more nervous he feels.

It's only a couple hours before Louise has promised to meet him at the bus stop outside of uni.

Dan's pacing back and forth across the floor. Today, he's managed to get the couch over from across the hallway to the lounge area.

He's still drenched in sweat. The back of his t-shirt is pasted against his skin in the most uncomfortable way. Yet he can't find it in himself to go to the shower though.

His mind has gone into overdrive. Dan knows he's overthinking this too much.

He worries they won't like him. Or that Louise realises her mistake of taking him under her wing. That she'll finally see the ugly duckling he truly is.

_Paranoid._

He's just fucking paranoid and he needs to stop thinking like that. Dan looks over at his reflection in the mirror. He shakes his head disapprovingly at it.

He needs a shower now before he goes insane from all the nerves.

-

He's crossed his arms over his jacket. The sky is resembling his soul, enveloping him in its murk.

He stamps his feet - enclosed in the old but slick black sneakers - against the ground to keep himself warm.

Today there's nothing wrecking his aesthetic. He's covered with black from head to toe. Fading into the darkness like he was born to do.

He goes to check his phone, she's already fifteen minutes late. Carefully he breathes out through his mouth, feeling the familiar burning behind his eyes. Stupid, he’s stupid, why would she even come?

It's completely quiet on this road. He breathes out shakily again. Maybe she's just late? That could happen to anyone, right? He'll wait five minutes more. Just five, then he'll go.

This reminds him why he's stopped trying to get new friends.

In the distance, there's a sound of a car which appears to be moving closer. It's not her though, she said to meet him at the bus stop. Clearly, she meant that they'd take the bus together.

Soon he can see the spotlights of the car in the dark at the fore. Lighting up the pavement ahead with a warm glow. He tries to distinguish the driver from where he's standing but the lights are blinding him.

The car appears to be slowing down. He takes an uneasy step backwards cautious of who might be inside. What if they'll beat him up. There's no one else here to see.

But he defies his fear and takes a step forward. The window pane is suddenly being rolled down to reveal a man.

Dan takes a sigh of relief when the nervous face of the cashier he met last week is revealed.

"Hi, are you Dan?" He asks carefully. Flabbergasted and slightly perplexed Dan nods.

All of a sudden the back door of the car is thrown open and Louise's face pops out.

"Dan! Hi, I'm sorry that we're late, take a seat!" She exclaims as excitedly as ever.

Before he can react she's taken hold of one of his arms and dragged him inside. He meets the cashier's apologetic eyes from where he's sat behind the wheel.

"Louise take it easy with him" the man pipes up. Her head whips to the side. She’s laughing with a broad grin on her face "I'm gently hyped."

"That makes no sense" He grins fondly. They stare at each other wrongheadedly for a while before Louise differs ("It does! Kinda...").

Her blue eyes widen abruptly. "Oh, I haven't introduced the two of you yet!" she cries. She then takes hold of both of their hands swiftly. The cashier's arm gets ungainly twisted in the process.

Then she looks both of them in the eyes, one at a time. "Dan, this is Phil," she gestures at the man who looks quite uncomfortable with his arm thrown over the seat. "Hi," Phil mumbles shyly.

Dan stares at Phil, squinting. In the low-lit atmosphere of the car, he can distinguish the silhouette of a quiff.

The eyes of the stranger he remembers so vividly, appear grey in the night.

Still, he can't help but remember the set of bright blue ones. Which is oddly specific and kinda dumb to remember actually.

"Phil, this is Dan. Phil actually works-" Dan blinks catching up with what Louise is saying. Without thinking he cuts her off. Halfway through realising how embarrassing it'll be explaining that he's already met Phil rather than playing along.

"Yeah, we've met actually..." he nods. Her mouth drops open a tiny bit in mid-sentence as she turns to Dan. She looks mildly astonished.

"You have?" In the corner of his eyes, he sees Phil nodding slowly. He's not sure if it's better that he's met one person already. But met they have regardless.

He really didn't expect such fuss before the actual night. On the other hand, he did assume that Louise and he would take the bus.

What was he thinking Louise, taking the bus? She's way too extra for that. He can't believe he's smiling when thinking that. Gosh, what is wrong with him? He shakes his head at his own antics.

-

They step out of the warm car and are once again overtaken by the cold of the night. Hurriedly, they start walking before they succumb to the cold.

Louise comes up behind the two of them. "It's not far now" she promises softly. She seems to have calmed down somewhat, well, at least for now.

It soothes Dan a tad. She's kind of his safety zone at the moment. Not that she’s one hundred percent reliable. He doesn't trust just anybody at once. And after all, he's just gotten to know her somewhat.

Soon they reach a staircase after walking through a street door. It smells faintly of lavender, Dan notices. He breathes in the scent and tries to calm down.

His breath catches in his throat when Louise pats him on the back reassuringly. Maybe, just maybe she sensed how anxious he feels? Or maybe she's just trying to encourage him and boost his spirits?

He meets her gaze and gives her an appreciative smile in return.

The second they walk inside people start to hurray. Louise grins "Calm down you guys, we already know we're late. You don't need to rub it in" though her tone is light there's a hint of admonitory in her voice.

She grips Dan's shoulder, her head peeking up behind his shoulder. "I want you all to meet Dan, he'll be hanging with us today!"

Embarrassed he waves cautiously and gives the small crowd a weak smile.

"Louise is this our new take in, in the group now?" Someone yells. Dan stiffens, carefully he glances over at Louise. He's not sure if that was supposed to be an insult or not.

"Chris," Louise says sternly.

"What? We were all once brought in by you to this group. We're all basically your homeless cats." Chris-apparently says charmingly.

"Okay Chris that's enough, I don't know if this is some new weird kink of yours or if you're just trying to humour our new member of the party."

"Guess you'll never know," Chris says and winks.

"Okay, so Dan I don't think I need to introduce Chris seeing as he's done it so well himself. So moving on to the next person." She points at a guy in glasses who laughs loudly at something that someone whispered into his ear.

"That's Tyler."

The guy looks up as if caught in the act. Then he smiles widely, coming forth to shake Dan's hand "hi new friend." Dan smiles trying to mirror Tyler's wide grin.

"And that's Troye." The guy nods politely and Dan reciprocates.

"PJ's usually here but he was up to something tonight and couldn't come. Oh yeah, and then we have Cat, and Zoe of course. But they couldn't be here today either." Dan nods, feeling a tad bit relieved that his boss decided not to go.

-

Dan sinks down in one of the sofas besides cashier-Phil.

Phil looks over at him and gives him a smile. He wishes silently that he was able to just start up a conversation easily. Everyone else around him seems to be able to do it on a daily basis. As easily as breathing.

Phil fiddles with the phone in his hand. Without unlocking it he spins it around in his hand. Drumming his nails against it occasionally.

Then he looks up at Dan who's been scrutinizing him. His face is blank for a moment as they just stare at each other without saying a thing.

"You've just moved here." He says but it sounds more like a question than a statement.

"Yeah" Dan laughs tensely, eyes flitting up to Phil's for an instant before he has to downcast his eyes.

"Figured, I haven't seen you here before" Phil mumbles.

"Oh, I thought you were gonna say I stood out like a sore thumb or something" Dan laughs awkwardly.

"I mean that's not necessarily a bad thing!" he gesticulates widely. "I was gonna say that I like sore thumbs but it sounded too weird." Phil laughs under his breath.

It's a goofy laugh accompanied with a childish grin that weirdly tugs at Dan's heart.

His wide blue eyes twinkle and Dan finds himself smiling involuntarily.

He discovers himself thinking that Phil's got a nice laugh, pleasant even. It's the type of laugh you keep in your mind to bring you joy on freezing days.

"You like sore thumbs?" Dan jokes. Phil laughs at that one too. Covering his hand in front of his mouth as his face scrunches up in a giggle.

He interrupts himself mid-laugh and tries to form words. Explaining himself for an already softening Dan.

"Wha-” he laughs “-what I meant to say was that you're right when you believe that you stand out. I've never seen anyone wearing clothes completely devoid of colours. But that's not a bad thing, that's actually pretty cool" he says, a smile slowly spreading on his face once more as Dan replies.

"You think?" Phil nods. At this point, they're both staring at each other with stupidly wide grins.

"Yeah, but that wasn't just why I noticed you though-" Phil starts but gets cut off by Louise. Her blond hair is flying wildly as she glides into the room on the polished floorboards. They both look up at her in surprise.

"Guys, come join us, we're gonna play Mario Kart!" she shouts loudly and agitated.

-

Soon he's caught up in a bet. If he loses he'll have to take the person he competes against on a picnic. 'Cuz that's apparently a good bet.

How embarrassing wouldn't that be if he lost? He can definitely not fail this one.

As time goes on he realises, though, that that is exactly what he's about to do, as Phil - who claims to have only played this once before - cheers that he's "gonna win, I'm gonna win!"

Dan deflates in the sofa and Louise pats Phil on the back "good job bud." Phil turns his head with a grin "Guess you'll have to take me on a picnic now."

The rest of the evening works out surprisingly well.

Even if Chris manages to dunk his socked foot into a plastic cup filled with soda.

Well, not just any per se, it was Dan's. But in the end, he didn't mind because it ended up being pretty funny.

And when Dan is enshrouded in his jacket, ready to go home he realises he'll miss these guys.

-

Before going to bed Dan decides to pull on the big comfy pink jumper. His excuse is that it's cold in the apartment. He goes to brush his teeth and then he slips under the blanket. He cuddles up in the fabric, falling asleep with a sense of security. He's so exhausted he neglects to overthink.

-

It's Monday so Dan's only hoping that he's working today. He's been feeling odd the whole day. Kind of bubbly and nervous, like a shaken carbonated drink.

It's different, he can't remember when he last felt like this. If he's ever felt like this really. He doesn't really know how exactly to describe the feeling accurately.

When he reaches the store he goes to grab the handle but stops himself in the act. He lets his own hand hover.

Dan's gonna take Phil on a picnic. How bizarre is that? He's never gone on a picnic with someone before. Embarrassingly he rush-googled what to bring with.

He doesn't really know Phil that well. All he knows is that the guy is charming. That and that he makes something stir in Dan's stomach. Something warm and different.

Phil's childish and cute and strangely Dan doesn't seem to mind. Instead, he wants to join in on Phil's fun. He wants to know every weird part of him. He's never felt that way before.

He grabs the cold metal of the handle and steps inside. There's a couple of customers roaming around today.

Dan's a bit surprised to find Phil sitting behind the counter with a lunchbox filled with pasta salad, crammed between his dainty hands.

"Hi" Phil mumbles with a mouthful, he raises his hand - gripping the plastic knife - to cover his mouth. As Dan walked up to him he seemed surprised to see him.

"I thought I'd come over," Dan mumbles embarrassed. He shrugs as he talks trying to sound like it's no big deal.

Phil raises his eyebrows, smirking. "And why's that, got something on your mind?"

Dan swallows. "Well yeah... I um... well I lost the bet and I said I'd take you on a picnic if you won so here I am... I guess." Phil watches him the entire time, his blue eyes examine Dan's face thoroughly. His expression is serious. It makes Dan feel all squirmy.

When Dan is finished a smile steadily spreads on Phil's face. He looks pleased like a cat bathing in the warmth of the sun.

"I'm happy you came, I'd be... you know... nice to have a picnic with you." He says shyly.

Dan nods, feeling way too happy to be considered legal, he's sure.

"My shift ends in about fifteen minutes today, could you wait for me?"

-

They're in the royal park. The grass is green and flourishing, dancing in the mild wind. The trees growing around them juvenile and their crowns made of jade.

Yet, Dan misses out on that, for his eyes are on Phil. He's never seen Phil's eyes in the light of day. He's never seen the faint freckles dusting Phil's arms and cheeks.

Dan hasn't fully seen the beauty that is Phil, until now. It's affecting him in ways he'd never guess it’d do. Dan's starting to realise there's something unspoken between them, brewing. But he almost wants to let it be just that.

It feels easy to hang out with Phil, like running without any baggage. There’s nothing weighing you down. He doesn't want to put pressure on himself.

Dan thinks he likes Phil and that's enough right now. And for the first time, he doesn't feel the same need to know what he has to do with his life.

He’s trying to mould his life into his truth. It’s hard doing it with his own hands, and Dan hasn’t got a technique down yet.

He finds it difficult finding the courage to be himself. But Dan knows that he’ll pattern into himself if he gives himself time to mature and flourish.

They're sitting on a colourful blanket. Phil sighs as the wind blows through his hair. His delicate fingers move over the blanket, tentative like a cat who cleverly seeks out its prey.

Dan discreetly puts down his hand besides Phil’s on the blanket. The material is soft under his hand and his palm is clammy.

For a second Dan closes his eyes. And he is back in his own apartment. Yet again he can see the sun going up over the city before him.

It’s rays soak in over the kitchen floor, striking a person. Dan can see a man silhouetted against the burning daystar.

The light finally fumbles over Dan’s legs, his arms. It feels good finally being covered in warmth. The man turns around, his back now facing Dan but just for a fleeting second Dan catches a glimpse of a kind smile on his lips.

Dan would recognise that smile anywhere.

He blinks his eyes open. Eyes flitting to their hands, their fingertips are touching, it feels electrifying and exciting like touching something forbidden. His stomach flips with joy.

"Do you like it here? I know you've just moved and all and that it might be a tricky question..." Phil looks over at him. His eyes glimmer in the sun like water would when hit by its golden rays.

Phil's wearing a thin light blue t-shirt because it's surprisingly warm today considering its late autumn and the recent weather. He's got grey shorts who exposes his pale thighs.

"Yeah," Dan says honestly. He exhales, a smile present on his lips "I think I do now.”


End file.
